When I was first starting out as a lawyer, I interviewed at multiple firms for my first job. During one interview I asked an attorney, “how do you balance having a career and a family?” She answered: “You fail at both. You disappoint your family, and you disappoint your clients, and you hope they both forgive you.” I left that interview thinking that was one of the most depressing things I had ever heard and vowing to myself: “that will never be me.”
Fast forward 10 years to my life now as an executive and mother of a young child and I must admit, “failing at both” is a thought that creeps into my mind often. Being an executive, like many other professions, is more than a full-time job. It’s a job where your work is never done. Where you are never off the clock. You could literally dedicate every waking hour of your life to your role as an executive and still have work left to be done. The same is true for being a parent. Even if you have childcare, it’s very easy to feel like you must be available for every hour your child is awake, or else you are somehow failing them. This feeling is most poignant when you walk out the door to go to work as they watch and cry.
So, what are you left to do? Are you destined to a life of “failing at both”? Should all of us attempting this juggling act throw in the towel now?
I really hope that is not the case. But then again, I certainly don’t have “the answer.” So here are a few thoughts for all of us fighting the idea that we are “failing at both.”
First, failure is a feeling. It is a personal perception of how you are performing. It is not necessarily a measurement of your actual performance. Try to look at yourself and what you are doing with kinder eyes. Are you really failing at both? Or is that failure simply a feeling unique to you?
Second, you are human. As a human, you are inherently going to fail, especially if you are doing big, important things. If you aren’t living in a way that you risk failure, even in the slightest of terms, perhaps you need to ask yourself if you’re taking enough risks in your life, and if you’re really trying to accomplish all that you desire in life.
Third, feeling like you are failing as an executive because you are not dedicating 100% of your waking hours to being one, is not unique to having a child. It is a pressure that all executives feel. Think about the years a vacation wasn’t taken. Hobbies left on the shelf. It is a common theme for executives, even without kids.
You may be an executive. But no matter your job, you are human. Humans are not monolithic. We are multi-faceted, and ignoring your multi-faceted nature doesn’t help you be the innovative leader your company needs. It doesn’t help you remain a rock for the long term. Rejecting your individual qualities runs you ragged and leaves you with regret.
There are many people who have performed this juggling act and have been a success by every measure of the word. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg was quoted as saying:
“When I started law school, my daughter Jane was 14 months. I attribute my success in law school largely to Jane. I went to class about 8:30, and I came home at 4 o’clock. That was children’s hour. It was a total break in my day. And children’s hour continued until Jane went to sleep. Then, I was happy to go back to the books. So, I felt each part of my life gave me respite from the other. …Having Jane gave me a better sense of what life is.”
So cut yourself some slack. Take a deep breath. Find your respite. Figure out the things you need to do in life to make you a good, multi-faceted, human being. You may feel like you’re “failing at both” sometimes -heck you’ll likely even fail from time to time. But you’ll be a better executive (and human being) in the long run.
Katie Treadway is the Head of Regulatory Affairs at One Energy.
